Who Am I? How a Tool Like the Enneagram Might Help Adoptees and Their Family System
Identity is a core theme in BPAR’s post adoption therapeutic work. All of us struggle to understand ourselves at key points in life, most notably in our teen years. But the process of understanding our identity is even more complex for an adoptee.
BPAR clinician Madison Janke, LMHC, R-DMT, wrote this blog to explain one tool that has helped some adoptees build a better understanding of themselves: the Enneagram.
A Note from Madison
The Polarizing Effect of Personality Testing – Considerations and Cautions
Personality testing tends to polarize people into two camps: supporters and skeptics. In my experiences, I have known people to steer away from personality testing because of how often labels interfere, which is frustrating when the person taking the test is giving you the gift of vulnerability by letting you get to know them. Personality is a fluid, complex, and individualized trait, and labels can lead people to generalize, stereotype, and box people into certain personas, limiting the work that goes into getting to know someone holistically. That being said, I have also seen personality testing help family members communicate better with each other–creating a basic understanding and common language to support in the never-ending journey of getting to know yourself and others. Personality testing should be used as a jumping off point, and when it is used well, provides a common language to assist with self-awareness and growing relationships.
As you read this blog, ask yourself three questions:
1. How do I orient to time?
Do I focus on the past (4, 5, 9) present (1, 2, 6), or future (3, 7, 8)?
2. What is my stance toward people?
Do I tend to withdraw (4, 5, 9), depend on others (1, 2, 6), or lead forward (3, 7, 8)?
3. How do I process information?
Do I generally turn to my head/logic (5, 6, 7), heart/emotion (2, 3, 4), or body/instinct (8, 9, 1)?
Understanding the Enneagram
The Enneagram itself is a nine-sided geometric figure built on a 3 x 3 arrangement of nine personality types, each represented by a number. These questions that I asked you to ponder represent the various triads into which the Enneagram divides the nine numbers. Each of the nine types are associated with a childhood wound that was either shaped by your environment or exists because you were born predisposed to interpret input through the lens of your number type.
The Heart Triad – Type 2, 3, 4
We’ll start with the Heart triad. The numbers represented in this triad are 2, 3, and 4. People who identify as a number in this triad are typically preoccupied with exploring, examining, and figuring out their identity, and they grapple with feelings of shame.
The Helper (2)
The Enneagram 2’s childhood wound is that they are unlovable and therefore, need to earn love. This type has a basic desire to be loved and a core fear of being unwanted or found unworthy of being loved. As a result, it leads them to downplay their needs and focus on the needs of others to earn love and belonging.
The Achiever (3)
The Enneagram 3’s childhood wound is that they are not worthy or valuable, and therefore need to earn their place. This type has a basic desire to feel valuable and worthwhile and a core fear of being worthless. As a result, this type strives to prove their worth through success and accolades and project an image of themselves to individuals that correlates with what the perceived expectation is from them.
The Individualist (4)
The Enneagram 4’s childhood wound is that they are an anomaly, and therefore need to differentiate themselves. This type has a basic desire to discover themselves or find their significance in the world and a core fear of having no identity or significance. As a result, they emphasize their uniqueness, and pursue self-exploration through creativity, often withdrawing from others in order to delve deep into the emotions associated with the self-exploration.
The Head Triad – Type 5, 6, 7
Next up is the Head triad. The numbers represented in this triad are 5, 6, and 7. People who identify as a number in this triad are typically preoccupied with establishing a sense of security and stability for themselves, and they grapple with feelings of fear.
The Investigator (5)
The Enneagram 5’s childhood wound is that they are vulnerable and therefore, need to protect their emotional, social, spiritual, and physical resources. As a result, this type monitors the input they receive from others, takes an observational role in social situations, and invests in gathering information, typically on niche interest material.
The Loyalist (6)
The Enneagram 6’s childhood wound is that they are not secure or safe, and therefore need to look to other people to provide a sense of security outside of the security that they can establish for themselves. As a result, this type strives to build a community around themselves and can tend to marinate in “future thinking” as a way to safety plan.
The Enthusiast (7)
The Enneagram 7’s childhood wound is that they are experiencing pain and therefore, need to distance themselves from pain. As a result, this type fills their time with fun and activity to distract themselves from the pain they desperately avoid.
The Body Triad – Type 8, 9, 1
Last, but not least, is the Body triad. The numbers represented in this triad are 8, 9, and 1. People who identify as a number in this triad are typically preoccupied with obtaining control and grapple with feelings of anger.
The Challenger (8)
The Enneagram 8’s childhood wound is that they are being betrayed and violated and therefore, need to protect themselves from being betrayed again. As a result, this type has a strong, leadership presence and a small circle of individuals with whom they are vulnerable.
The Peacemaker (9)
The Enneagram 9’s childhood wound is that they don’t experience peace and therefore, need to sacrifice their needs to maintain or establish peace. As a result, this type defers their opinions and needs to keep from rocking the boat and disrupting peace.
The Reformer (1)
The Enneagram 1’s childhood wound is that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and therefore, need to make themselves perfect to be complete. As a result, this type tends to think in binary terms, valuing morality, and striving for perfectionism in every area of their life.
How Could Using an Enneagram Help My Family System?
Now that we have a basic understanding of the nine types in the Enneagram, let’s examine how this tool can benefit our adoption community.
The adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive family, birth family) is a complicated and nuanced family system. An adoptee’s struggle with their own identity can create challenges for the individual in understanding their behavior and feelings, making it difficult to self-regulate, navigate relationships, and more. In addition, it’s normal for adoptees to experience challenges in the familial system around communication, acceptance, rejection, and belonging.
When used to assist an adoptee with identity and self-discovery, a tool like an Enneagram can help to ground an adoptee in the personality of who they are in the present, as well as give them insight into how their early life experiences may have contributed to their childhood wound.
The Enneagram can also provide a common language for the adoptee, adoptive parent, and biological relatives, resulting in better communication and advocacy skills.
By looking at personality through the lens of the Enneagram, individuals and family systems may be able to detect subtle changes in personality and motivations, which can in turn help them recognize and support periods of regulation and dysregulation. This knowledge allows individuals to feel empowered to take proactive measures to support themselves and the family system.
Where Do We Go from Here?
With a basic understanding of the Enneagram now, let’s take a look back at the three questions that I asked you to consider at the beginning of this blog. These three questions should help support your self-discovery as you work to self-type yourself. If you would like to continue learning more about the Enneagram and need additional support in self-typing, I would recommend that you read each type description at The Enneagram Institute’s website. At the end of this blog, I have listed resources to continue learning about the Enneagram, such as how each type presents itself themselves at various levels of health, subtypes within the primary type, and wings. I would caution against typing people in your community, as only the individual can type themselves, but this tool can be utilized for conversation starters to help other people understand you better and to establish a shared understanding and language. You are also welcome to bring these self-discoveries into therapy to share with your therapist and continue your self-healing journey.
Written by Madison Janke, LMHC, R-DMT
Boston Post Adoption Resources
(1) Source: The Enneagram Institute
Tools from BPAR to Help with Identity
Books
Coppola, L. (2022). Voices unheard: A reflective journal for adult adoptees. Boston Post Adoption Resources. https://bpar.org/voices-unheard-journal/
DiBenedetto, K., Gorczyca, K., Eckert, J. (2017). Adoption is a lifelong journey. Boston Post Adoption Resources.
https://bpar.org/adoption-is-a-lifelong-journey-book/
Boston Post Adoption Resources (2021). Voices in transracial adoption. Boston Post Adoption Resources ebook. https://bpar.org/voices-in-transracial-adoption-book/
Blogs
The impact of DNA testing and adoption. Boston Post Adoption Resources resource page. https://bpar.org/dna-testing-adoption-search/
Brazil, C. (2024). How does play therapy help adoptees and therapists? Boston Post Adoption Resources blog. https://bpar.org/how-does-play-therapy-help-adoptees-and-therapists/
Eckert, J. (2014). Who are we? Searching for identity. Boston Post Adoption Resources Blog. https://bpar.org/who-are-we-searching-for-identity/
Kramer, E. (2024). Adoption trauma part 1: What is adoption trauma? Boston Post Adoption Resources Blog. https://bpar.org/adoption-trauma-part-1-what-is-adoption-trauma/
Romero, A. (2020). Learning to be eifferent – My transracial adoption story. Boston Post Adoption Resources blog. https://bpar.org/learning-to-be-different-my-transracial-adoption-story/
Enneagram Resources
Website
The Enneagram Institute. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com
Books
Morgan, I.M., and Stabile, S. (2016). The road back to you: An enneagram journey to self-discovery. InterVarsity Press.
Heuertz, C.L. (2017). The sacred enneagram: Finding your unique path to spiritual growth. Zondervan.
@enneagramandcoffee
@enneagram.life
@yourenneagramcoach
Songs
Sleeping at Last’s Atlas II: Enneagram songs:
Type 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sO2UMoOaFQ
Type 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST4Jq80MWFw
Type 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asobS45OFJY
Type 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewukx8sw2D8
Type 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g82jWfYBcY
Type 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y98cacdM3Dw
Type 7: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMWcQ3rbxro
Type 8: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K99i5GF65to
Type 9: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRgtB8lWUc8