Adoption — The Learning Never Stops
At BPAR we always welcome and encourage lifelong learning about adoption education. In this opinion piece, Linda R. Sexton writes humbly of her own journey around understanding different perspectives in the adoption triad and constellation.
—KC Craig, Executive Director
Adoption — The Learning Never Stops
by Linda R. Sexton
When I set out to write a book for the purpose of teaching others about the joys and challenges of open adoption, I found I still had much to learn.
Since I am an adoptive mom in open and active relationships with both of my young adult children’s birth parents and their extended families, who better to pass on some wisdom about open adoption than me? To say I was humbled is an understatement.
I wrote my book and titled it The Branches We Cherish: Twenty-Five Truths About Open Adoption. After I signed a contract with a publisher, they suggested I reach out to get endorsements—those quotes of praise you often see on the back of book covers.
This was a difficult assignment since I had no connections with adoption professionals or other adoption authors. I knew I had some cold calling to do. I identified multiple adoption professionals in academia and social services, as well as other authors and even celebrities involved in adoption. I reached out to more than 40 individuals and asked them if they would be willing to read my manuscript for a potential endorsement. This was a big ask since they had no idea who I was. After much follow-up, a few agreed to read it.
Some loved it and gave me wonderful endorsements, but three came back saying, “I cannot endorse this.” One birth mother author said it was an emotional trigger, and she could not get through the first forty pages. Another adoption professional pointed out how I might be offending adopted persons, which can happen from controlling the narrative from an adoptive parent’s perspective. Another said adoption has changed so much in thirty years and my advice was based on some practices that would not be acceptable today.
My initial reaction was disbelief. My intention was to provide a window into what an open and transparent relationship between an adoptive and birth family could look like, hoping others might see the value in taking this approach.
What was I to do? I had already signed a contract with a publisher!
All I could do was to take a deep breath, listen and learn. I already knew adoption is complicated and I needed to be sensitive to the emotions, feelings and trauma for adoptees and birth parents, and I thought I got it right. But it was more complex and nuanced than I ever imagined.
Deeper Understandings About Adoptees I Gained from Feedback
Here are some of the deeper understandings about adoptees I gained from the feedback.
Eternally a Child
I knew language is a minefield, so I carefully chose my words, but I still had more to learn. Something as simple as always using adopted child to describe an adopted person can make that person feel eternally infantilized. I needed to be more sensitive to context and use adoptee or adopted person when referring to a teen or grown-up instead of always using adopted child.
Better versus Different
The often-used phrase that an adopted person is getting a better life can be problematic. Using different life is more accurate. What is true is that an adopted person has a different life than they would have had if they had been raised by their birth family. Better life can be hurtful to an adopted person as that implies their birth family is not as good as their adoptive family. And since they came from their birth family, it is not a leap for them to think poorly of themselves or assume someone thinks poorly of them. The use of better life in my book was actually in a quote from my daughter’s birth mother, not me. What I learned was that it can be hurtful, no matter who says it.
Do Not Give People
When we first visited our adoption agency in 1992, they gave us a brochure with a picture on the front cover. It was a mom and dad sitting in the grass playing with a toddler. Sitting on top of a brick wall behind them was a young woman—presumably the birth mother—looking down at them and the caption read “I did not give you to them, I gave them to you.” I thought this was a beautiful sentiment so I included it. One of the professionals pointed out to me that we give objects, not people. I already knew the idea of give up or give away when speaking about the child was problematic language and I was careful to always use make an adoption plan instead. Yet I failed to recognize the idea of giving adoptive parents to a child implies that people can be given.
Disenfranchised Grief
Adopted persons may experience disenfranchised grief—meaning that society does not recognize them as a person having experienced trauma and loss. In fact, society often views them as lucky and does not acknowledge that they need to grieve the loss of their birth family. Birth parents experience disenfranchised grief too. I never thought about this before.
The Primal Wound
Babies separated from their birth mother experience grief and trauma—also referred to as the primal wound. This makes them vulnerable to possible attachment difficulties, fear of abandonment and unexplained anger. I already knew about this concept but I did not want to believe my children were vulnerable since we had such an open and transparent relationship with their birth mothers. Once I thought deeply about the primal wound, I was able to identify some of these issues in my own children. I had to admit that even our healthy open adoption did not erase the primal wound, even though openness and transparency eased many adoption-related issues for our family.
Deeper Sensitivities About Birth Parents I Learned Through Feedback
I also knew that a birth parent would experience grief, trauma and loss when making an adoption plan. Here are some of the deeper sensitivities I learned about birth parents through feedback.
Divine Intervention
A reference to divine intervention when talking about adoption can be complex. The way you speak about it could be interpreted by a birth mother as an adoptive parent feeling deserving of her baby—that divine intervention played a role in her pregnancy so someone else could be a parent. This can be a very hurtful interpretation of an otherwise comforting belief that an adoptive family was meant to be together.
Physical Characteristics
A focus on physical characteristics or beauty of an expecting mom can feel shallow and is not helpful during a crisis pregnancy.
Birth Mother
Using the term birth mother liberally–especially when referring to an expecting mother considering adoption—is troublesome. Do not refer to an expecting mother as a birth mother until she relinquishes her parental rights. In my own story I needed to be careful to refer to my child’s now birth mother as an expecting mother during the stage prior to placement. Further, I also learned that some birth mothers prefer to be called first mothers. The important thing is, after placement, ask her what she prefers to be called.
The Power Shift
Acknowledging the power shift from the birth parents to the adoptive parents after placement is also important. Once the relinquishment papers are signed, the adoptive parents hold the power and can, and sometimes do, withhold the child from the birth family. Some states attempt to make post-placement agreements legally binding, but almost always it is difficult to enforce. Address and be honest about this very real power shift.
What I Learned About Adoption at a Higher Level
At a higher level, what I have come to more fully understand is that everyone in the adoption triad is vulnerable and often fragile when they come to the place of adoption.
For most adoptees, they had no voice in the adoption decision. No matter how wonderful, loving and understanding their adoptive family, they have lost the ability to grow up with the mom and dad and family who share their biological traits.
For the adoptive parent or parents, they are often dealing with their own infertility and perhaps even years of unsuccessful procreation and maybe even heartbreaking losses.
For the expecting parents, they have come to the adoption choice for a myriad of personal reasons—sometimes not even entirely of their own choosing. But whatever has brought them here, it is at a great cost of losing the ability to parent their child.
There is a need to acknowledge the losses and vulnerabilities present in order to create space for the relationships to grow in a healthy manner.
The adoption industry is evolving to be more centric to the needs and rights of adopted persons and expecting parents and continues to struggle to get it right. There are efforts to shift the focus to making adoption more about finding families for babies and children that need homes, rather than what some would describe as a practice of finding babies or children for hopeful adoptive parents.
For years the narrative of adoption has been written by the adoptive families and adoption agencies. Now, the voices of adoptees and birth parents are beginning to emerge.
I knew that telling my story was important because it includes what we did well and what I wish we had done differently. It is told from the point of view as an adoptive parent, because that is who I am. So, I retold my story as memoir, instead of an open adoption advice book. The Branches We Cherish: An Open Adoption Memoir honors the actual experience we lived beginning three decades ago and continuing to this day. By writing a prologue and afterword, I was able to acknowledge some of the important and needed changes in the adoption landscape. And I took care to include the voices of my children, their birth parents and birth grandmothers in the manuscript. Fortunately, my publisher agreed to the changes and the book was published as planned.
I can legitimately and credibly give helpful advice to those who come after me. And thanks to some caring adoption professionals who took the time to provide their feedback, I now have a much deeper understanding of the complexities that adoption brings. I am also committed to continuing the process of learning and discovery, because the journey lasts a lifetime.
I remain a fierce advocate for open adoption when adoption is necessary, and whenever openness is safe and possible. Openness is almost always in the best interest of the adopted person who must remain the North Star for all of the parents involved.
Written by Linda R. Sexton
Linda R. Sexton is an open adoption, speaker, author, blogger and adoptive mom. She is a member of Florida Writers Association. The Branches We Cherish: An Open Adoption Memoir was awarded a gold medal in the prestigious Royal Palm Literary Awards. To learn more, visit lindarsexton.com.
Additional Resources from BPAR
Parenting is a lifelong journey. Here are some of the resources we've created at BPAR to help navigate the challenges.
Therapeutic Support Groups for Adoptive Parents and Caregivers
https://bpar.org/group-therapy/
Books to Help Adoptive Parents and Caregivers
Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey (paperback)
Voices in Transracial Adoption: Insights from Adoptees, Parents & Professionals (free ebook)
Helpful BPAR Blogs
Child Therapy FAQs — What Parents Want to Know
Adoption Trauma – Part 1: What is Adoption Trauma?
The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Telling the Truth
Parenting When It’s Hard to Like Your Child — Understanding Blocked Care in Adoptive Families
Film Review: Reckoning with the Primal Wound