Adoption, Addiction, and Recovery — A Poem
September is National Recovery Month, a time to honor the recovery community. At BPAR, our clinicians understand the connection between adoption and addiction. Research shows that individuals who have been adopted are almost twice as likely to develop a Substance Use Disorder as those who were not adopted.
We are proud to highlight this piece written by an adoptee who has found their way into ongoing recovery from addiction.
Adoption, Addiction, and Recovery
A Poem by KMP
From the moment of birth (and truly, even before that), the craving began, the longing began, the insatiable hunger for the mother connection began; nothing could fill it.
Trauma upon trauma only compounded the intense longing.
By the time I was 13, the intense noise of the craving, the longing for relief, the desire for escape became too strong, too intense.
I found my salvation in drugs and alcohol, it quieted the craving, it satisfied the need, it lifted me from despair, it helped me to forget that I was a lonely unwanted child.
I felt free; liberated from the pain. I didn’t need anyone or anything – I found my cure inside every high, oh yes, you were the only connection I needed now.
It worked for so long, until it didn’t.
It worked until I needed more, and I always needed more;
It worked until I couldn’t get numb enough anymore;
It worked until the darkness overcame it.
The connection grew weak, the noise came back.
On my knees and with the grace of the universe, I crawled my way out towards some type of light.
I walked into a nasty church basement 10 years ago – no, no this can’t be right, how is this going to fill my need?
I don’t want to be here – saying goodbye to my best friend felt like a knife cutting through my insides every single day and night.
The longing got worse, the loneliness felt like it would swallow me up, I can’t bear it. . . .
All those years of numbing myself buried my hunger for connection, now it was a raging force, a fire inside of me.
I didn’t believe I could survive it; I didn’t know I could get through this, I thought I would break.
From a place deep within came a truth: “You’re stronger than you know.”
And so, I kept coming;
I kept finding rooms; I kept leaning into connections – this time with other souls on this journey, not with my beloved substances.
I think it’s working.
That primal ache will never leave me, but I’m not alone on the path anymore.
Written by KMP
Adult Adoptee Guest Writer
Adult adoptees who are interested in using writing to connect with their own stories might want to consider BPAR's prompted journal, Voices Unheard: A Reflective Journal for Adult Adoptees, by Lisa Coppola, LMHC