Adoptees in 3: Connecting Mind, Heart and Action – Episode 8 Aimee Seiff Christian

Episode Transcript 

Voiceover

Introduction
00:00 --> 00:40
The Voices Unheard Program at Boston Post Adoption Resources is designed to empower adult adoptees in expressing their personal stories and to expand public knowledge and awareness around lived adoptee experiences. Our program goals are accomplished through this Adoptees in 3 video series; through narrative writing workshops; adoptee-created blogs; the use of the Voices Unheard journal; as well as through Voices Unheard: Real Adoptee Stories, which is our annual live speaker’s forum dedicated to educating the greater Boston community through creative expression and storytelling.

00:40--> 00:56
LC: Welcome everybody to Adoptees in 3: Connecting Mind, Heart, and Action. I am LC Coppola, an adoptee and the program director of Voices Unheard and we are welcoming Aimee Seiff Christian to the show today. Hi, Aimee.

00:57 --> 00:58
Aimee Seiff Christian: Hey, LC, how are you doing.

00:58 --> 01:00
LC: Good, is Seiff new?

01:01 --> 01:23
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yes, you know me as Aimee Christian, but over the time that we've known each other I had my name changed legally because Seiff was my birth mother's last name, and it was mine on my original birth certificate, and I never knew that until I saw my original birth certificate, and it took me about 2 years, but I had my name changed legally.

01:23 --> 01:25
LC: Wow! It takes so long. But—

01:25 --> 01:28
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yes, it was a very arduous process.

01:29 --> 01:41
LC: That's awesome. Okay, well, yeah, I did notice that that was, I've known you as Aimee Christian, but this was a new piece. So, let me just do a little intro of you, and then we can dive in.

01:41 --> 01:41
Aimee Seiff Christian: Okay.

01:41 --> 02:53
LC: Aimee is a writer and domestic adoptee living in Massachusetts. She was born in New York and adopted through Louise Wise Services after 6 months hidden in foster care. She teaches memoir primarily to help other adoptees and former foster youth to reclaim their voices and identities through telling their stories. She's a writing instructor at Grub Street and via her own website (which we will give that information about your website at the end). And Aimee's writing has appeared in The New York Times, the Washington Post, NBC Think, Poets and Writers, The Atticus Review, Smoke Long Quarterly, Pigeon Holes, and more. Aimee edits professionally, and is currently querying her memoir, Nobody's Daughter, about adoption and identity. She's also the recipient of the 2024 Crossfield fellowship and will be participating in the Cuddyhunk Island Writer’s Residency this fall. How exciting! And, as mentioned before, we were talking, Aimee's participated every year in our annual Voices Unheard speaker’s series. So, you do a lot. Thanks for being here with us, Aimee.

02:54 --> 03:19
Aimee Seiff Christian: I love Voices Unheard. Thank you so much for giving a place to adoptees to talk about their stories, because, you know, before I did that, I really didn't feel like we had an opportunity in the Boston area to talk about who we are and, you know, to be ourselves. It's really a difficult—really difficult for us. And you make that happen.

03:20 --> 03:44
LC: That's yeah. It is crazy to me that it hasn't been, you know, happening for decades now. That adoptees share their stories; it does seem like it's exploding more now. But yeah, I'm really proud and happy to have that event every year, and so glad you—you come. People always want to know more about you because of the stories you tell, so I'm glad to have you on the show today.

03:45 --> 03:46
Aimee Seiff Christian: Thanks for letting me be here.

03:47 --> 03:54
LC: Yeah. So, let's dive into the same questions we ask everyone with wildly different answers.

03:54 --> 03:54
Aimee Seiff Christian: Okay.

03:55 --> 04:05
LC: If you were to make a movie or write a book, which I—we know you have, about your adoption journey what would you title it? And why?

04:05 --> 08:18
Aimee Seiff Christian: Well, right now my memoir is titled Nobody's Daughter, and I think that's because it, you know, I said a lot—for a long time that having two mothers didn't really even add up to one. I have often felt like I've spent my whole life looking to be mothered and I still am. I'm 51 years old and I'm gonna get really emotional. You know, both of my—my birth mother, when I met her told me that—she told me that she was forced to surrender me, and I think we hear that a lot, right? Most of the time, you know, first mothers, birth mothers are forced to surrender their babies. They don't want to give them up, but something, whether it's their parents, or poverty or race, or you know, or something, or pressure or theft, right? Is what makes them give up their babies. And I also think that the, you know, the—the billion dollar adoption industry has taught hopeful, adoptive parents that they don't have to do anything, right, that that babies are blank slates, that they don't have to do anything. I think now maybe it's a little different than it was in the Baby Scoop era when I was adopted. But my parents were taught absolutely nothing about how to take care of a baby that was not genetically, biologically theirs, that I would just adapt to being a member of their family, and so they didn't take any care to preserve my history. My 6 months of life before coming to them—my, you know, my ethnicity, my memory, my anything and—and that was really problematic, right? Because I always felt like I didn't belong. I always knew that I didn't belong. And—and that was just sort of poo-pooed and like pushed under the under the rug, and we made jokes. “Oh, she looks so much like her mother.” “Oh, you look just like your . . .”, “Oh, you must get that from your father,” you know, and that was really not funny and kind of hurtful. And I—I knew that. I knew that everything was just not right, and it was something that we didn't talk about. We didn't talk about my adoption. We didn't talk about me being different. We didn't talk about any of it, and I was also asked not to talk about my being adopted outside the family. It was private, and it was, it was a family secret, right? It was not something about me. It was not something that was an identifying marker of who I was. It was not part of, you know, Aimee is an adoptee. It was like a family secret that I was not to share, which meant that they were ashamed of it, right, it was—it was something that they were ashamed of, and I was intended to pass, and so I never felt properly parented by anyone, right, because I was rejected and rejected and rejected and rejected, for who I truly was. And so, in writing my memoir, I went through many titles, and the one that I finally landed on, and it'll probably change, right? Like when it goes to publication. But the one that I feel the most at home with is Nobody's Daughter, because I just don't feel like I have been mothered in any way except by being a mother myself. I have 2 biological children, and I pay very close attention to how I parent them, and in so doing have taken a moment to parent myself and—and that's why the title is meaningful to me, and if I have any say, which I don't, you know that's a title I would prefer.

08:19 --> 08:38
LC: I love that title. Yeah, I—I'm really struck just by that idea. I hear this a lot about being a secret, just like living, being expected to be a secret to keep the secret, to keep this, the sick secrets keep us sick. I know it's like a cliche term, but I absolutely believe, believe in that.

08:38 --> 08:38
Aimee Seiff Christian: Oh totally.

08:39 --> 08:51
LC: And like being expected to keep the family, the—the sickness and the shame, like status quo. And that is definitely something I hear a lot.

08:51 --> 09:35
Aimee Seiff Christian: Well, ‘cause that makes us feel like we're the secret that we're the sickness, right? That we are the shame. And there's nothing I could have done that would have been enough to make my parents feel proud of me. And so, I became like a total workaholic that I was constantly looking for praise outside and not inside, right? And so, you know, I couldn't get good enough grades, and I got great grades like I couldn't go to the best, and I went to the best schools, and I got great jobs, and, like, you know, you could work yourself to the bone just waiting for “Aimee, I'm so proud of you,” and it just never came because and then, just like, “Why are you working so hard?” You know, just waiting for like, “We love you.” Never, never came.

09:36 --> 09:50
LC: Hmm! And then with your daughters, who I've met and they're—I've seen you, and you're an amazing mother. I mean I was there for, was it your birthday or your daughter's birthday? I forget the—the Lilypad we read stuff.

09:50 --> 09:52
Aimee Seiff Christian: Oh, yeah, that was my 50th.

09:52 --> 10:06
LC: Oh, my God! That was so amazing and to see you and your daughters together, but like through that process of parenting, and then doing some reparenting within that—that is, can you say a little bit more about like how that, how you started to do that for yourself?

10:07 --> 12:37
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yeah, I mean, I just tell them all the time that I love them, and that it's not what they do, it's who they are. Because I never want them to feel that way. I remember, you know, I started writing a journal when I was a child like really young, just because I told myself I never wanted to forget what it was like. You know, I never wanted to forget what it was like to feel like a commodity. I never wanted to forget what it was like to feel conditionally . . . not conditionally loved, but just conditionally accepted. And not even accepted for who I was, but just, you know, I—I had a home, and it was, and it felt temporary. It wasn't a loving place, it was like—you know, I was told I had a warranty, you know, and I remember asking like, “Do you ever wish you could give me back?” And they, I think, felt like they were joking when they were like. “Well, there are some times . . .” you know, but I didn't take that as a joke. I took it as like, you know, “Boy, they regret picking me,” and then realized like they didn't pick me. They picked—they got the next available baby, you know, and I know that. I mean, we all know that right? We know that and so with my children, I tell them all the time, ‘We made you,” you know, and “You are my greatest, proudest moments,” like at every birthday, like, I'm like, “You have to indulge me. You're gonna hear the story of when you were born. Sorry, but, like, you gotta listen.” And they're like, “Here goes Mom again,” but like they love hearing it because they know it's coming, and they know I haven't forgotten. And, you know, and we talk all the time about like, “This is your body. This body is really important. I made it. I love it. You know I love your toes, and I love your whatever,” and like, they do sports, and they do school, and they do whatever, and like, they don't get good grades for me, you know, and I'm like, “You do this because you can do it, right? You do this because, you know, you do your sport because it's what you love. Don't do it for me, like don't do these things for me. I would love you if you've stopped doing it. I love you, no matter what. I want you to do it, because you love it. Like, you do your things because it's what matters to you.” You know, one of my daughters is disabled, and I love her body. I made that body.

12:37 --> 12:37
LC: Hmm.

12:37 --> 12:50
Aimee Seiff Christian: You know, we accept that body as much as we accept the next body, and they have to know that all the time, and they do. They do. So, I really believe that they do.

12:52 --> 13:23
LC: I think they do, too. It's—it's so clear that they have, I don't know. I've only met them once, but I see them on—and you know I can't. But it—it seems like they had—they feel, and I could be projecting this, but it seems like they, for sure just, like, secure, I guess. Secure is the word, I guess. In, you know, in the relationship or in their place. Yeah.

13:24 --> 13:37
Aimee Seiff Christian: I have journal entries from when I was their age and below and—and younger that say, like, “If I ever have a kid, I want them to know that [ you know] I want to remember what it was like.” So, and that—that has stayed with me my whole life.

13:39 --> 13:39
LC: Yeah.

13:40 --> 13:41
Aimee Seiff Christian: Because it's lonely.

13:43 --> 14:05
LC: Yeah, I remember, I would write this—this . . . I might cut this part, but just sometimes I tell my own story and then I cut it out. But I—I had like all these journals about—about that I was from like a secret magical land, and like—like I was sent to this family, like, for a specific reason, like they were like . . .

14:05 --> 14:07
Aimee Seiff Christian: Not the first time I've heard that.

14:07 --> 14:41
LC: All characters, and it was just—yeah, I think that we're just trying to figure out how to feel. I mean, it's just a crazy thing. It's like replanted somewhere, completely new and what do you do with that? Especially if you're not supposed to talk about it. I mean, it's a crazy thing no matter what, but if you're not supposed to talk about it that just adds a whole new layer. Yeah. So okay, so going into the next question, what advice would you give your younger adopted self? It can be any age.

14:42 --> 17:33
Aimee Seiff Christian: It's interesting that you ask this question about what advice I would give to my younger self cause I recently wrote a letter to my younger self and—and just as an exercise, and in it I told my younger self that I would learn from being both of my biological parents and hearing the story of my conception that they loved each other, and that I was born of love. And that really made a difference to me, because I spent so much time growing up engaging in self-harm and feeling unloved and unwanted. And I—I developed a real problem with that. For 17 years I engaged in self-harm and couldn't stop, and it was really, really bad because I just felt so bereft of, like I couldn't—I was like, “I was a mistake. How do I justify being on this planet,” like, and then being put in this family where I don't feel like anybody.  Like, “I was put in the wrong family. I was put in this family that has no, like, they don't connect to me,” but finding out after, and I know that not every adoptee meets their biological parents, and even when they do, it's not always wonderful and for me it was a real struggle for a long time, but they did both tell me before they died that I was born of love, and that was meaningful, even though they were teenagers, even though they didn't stay together, even though they didn't stay connected to each other, that they really loved each other, and that they were sorry that they couldn't keep me. It really mattered, it really mattered, and that I wasn't . . . that I was an accident, perhaps, but I wasn't a mistake. Really made a difference to me that I could then take that and turn my life into something really positive was all I needed to understand that the rest of my life was within my power to make it useful, make it valuable. And I-—and I did, and every minute of my life from that point on became super meaningful to me, and I haven't rested since. You know what I mean like. I've packed so much into my life. And I, like, hope I live to be a hundred, because I have so much to do and so much to learn. And you know, I wanna be with my family, and I wanna see things and do things. And it's—it was like all I needed to . . .

17:33 --> 17:33
LC: Yeah!

17:34 --> 17:39
Aimee Seiff Christian: Not feel that it was all on me to—to turn it around.

17:40 --> 17:47
LC: Yeah, that's a really big catalyst moment for—

17:47 --> 17:47
Aimee Seiff Christian: It was.

17:48 --> 17:51
LC: Whole new. Yeah. Rebirthing, in a way.

17:51--> 17:53
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yeah, that's how it felt.

17:53 -->18:05
LC: That's amazing. Yeah. I was wondering if you—if your birth mother, ever told you the story of being born like in detail, like the ones, yeah.

18:05 --> 19:29
Aimee Seiff Christian: She put it out of her mind because she had to leave the hospital alone. But my birth father handed me a CD and said, “You may or may not have been conceived to this song.” [inaudible] told me the story. And then, after my, which was “Sweet Judy Blue Eyes” by Crosby, Stills and Nash, how's that? Right? So now I cry whenever I hear that song, and then, after my birth, mother died. So, they both died really young. My mother died when she was 56. She got really quite ill, and then had a stroke, and then my father died of a—he died of suicide. Actually, he was an addict, and then died by suicide. But after they died their high school friends came together and told me the story of their love. They had been together for 2 years in high school and I heard like the whole story, and so they were like they weren't lying when they told me that I had been born of love, like it was true. And they had broken up, and this was like a last hurrah kind of thing, and whatever, but it was really lovely to (and weird) to be like I was conceived to, you know, this song. Like, you know, it was odd, but—but it was meaningful like not many people get that. But yeah, when I got pregnant, I had asked for the first time, I'd asked my birth mother, “So tell me what it's like?” and she was like, “With you, I tried to forget. I had to. What else was I supposed to do?”

19:29 --> 20:15
LC: Yeah, she, I imagine she probably just had to dissociate and like any trauma, you know, just cut it off. And yeah. So, how are you doing today? How are you healing today? Like, what—what kind of things do you do? (This is the 3rd question.) What kind of things do you do in your like regular life to kind of—I mean, I'm hearing that you—you have your hands in a bunch of things. You—you have a very—you have a very creative life. You're surrounded by animals. You have this family. How do you manage to keep like the critical voice or the, you know, hyper-vigilance in your body, like, kind of in balance or in check?

20:17 --> 23:13
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yeah, I mean, it's an—it's an evolving process, right? Like I—I have to—I have to call it out and name it when it comes up, cause it still comes up. But like, I focus on my kids. I—I talk about it, I—I really—I write about it, and I teach my classes. And I—I think that trying to be a presence for other adoptees, and not just adoptees, but other adults. Like, I teach adult writing because a lot of us have had, you know, early trauma, that I think this present political climate has done a really remarkable job of continuing to oppress and we need to reclaim who we are. Whether that's, I mean I try to have classes that are for adoptees only. But then for, you know, folks who are queer or disabled, or you know, or reclaiming who they are in any kind of way or discovering that they have some other issues that they need to work out on paper. You know, I have a degree in education, and being a writer, I think, is a really nice match for folks who are just discovering that they need to work something out. And that's—that's what I—that's where real—I really get jazzed up about, and I find that to be really healing for me. It's my way of doing service and helping to earn a living and I don't charge a lot for folks who are in need in some way or other. But I also like—like you said, I have a lot of animals. I've got birds. I've got cats, and I've got my kids and just trying to write my own story. In—I just wrote the last chapter over of my memoir. I had to rewrite it because—because life changed from the time that I wrote it the first time, because that's what happens in memoir is that like, you know, you realize some stuff and things changed. And I don't know, life is a work in progress. That's all I'll say is that life is a work in progress, but I never thought that it would be . . . I don't think happy is the right word. I think happy is a transient emotion, but I experience so much joy that I never thought I would when I was growing up. And you know it gets better. It really gets so much better.

23:14 --> 23:25
LC: Yeah. Yeah, it—it is—it is so true with the I feel like, if—if I wait any longer with my memoir, I'm gonna have to rewrite the whole thing. It's just like—

23:25 --> 23:27
Aimee Seiff Christian: Totally. Totally. Yeah.

23:27 --> 23:47
LC: It's like at the insight—your insight grows and your . . . it's so tough to have that chunk of like your history just right there. But well, good luck with, you know. I'm sure that someone—it will get picked up in a great place, and then we'll have to have you back on and see.

23:48 --> 23:50
Aimee Seiff Christian: Yeah, we’ll see. I hope, so.

23:50 --> 24:03
LC: Yeah, well, thank you so much for being here and sharing more about yourself and your story, and where is the place that people can find you the easiest? We'll also put this up on like a banner under the ad.

24:04 --> 24:18
Aimee Seiff Christian: Oh, well, I'm on Instagram @thewriteaimee which is T-H-E-W-R-I-T-E-A-I-M-E-E. And my website is Aimeechristian.net.

24:19 --> 24:22
LC: Awesome. Great. Thank you so much, Aimee for being with us, and—

24:22 --> 24:24
Aimee Seiff Christian: Thanks for having me!