Adoptees in 3: Connecting Mind, Heart and Action – Episode 2: Alisha Bennett

Episode Transcript 

Voiceover

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[Introduction]

The Voices Unheard program at Boston Post Adoption Resources is designed to empower adult adoptees in expressing their personal stories and to expand public knowledge and awareness around lived adoptee experiences. Program goals are accomplished through adoptee-centered writing workshops, adoptee-created blogs and other online material, use of Voices Unheard: A Reflective Journal for Adult Adoptees, and Voices Unheard: Real Adoptee Stories, which is our annual live speakers’ forum designed to educate the Greater Boston community through creative expression and storytelling.

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LC Coppola: Welcome to Adoptees in 3: Connecting Mind, Heart, and Action, where we get to the heart of things with one adoptee by asking them the current state of their adoptee journey. I'm LC Coppola, an adoptee, and I'm the program director of Voices Unheard. And I'm happy to have Alicia here with me today. Hi! Alicia!

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Alisha Bennett: Hi, LC! Great to see you.

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LC: Yeah. Good to see you, too. Alicia Bennett (She/Her) [Aka 션영] {Syeon Yeong} is a Korean adoptee with citizenship. With a heart dedicated to children. She's worked as a school social worker in New York City public schools for 17 years. She is also the clinical director of a growing private practice in New York City. She lives in love and gratitude in Brooklyn, with her partner, Dave and their 3-year-old daughter. Her journey into motherhood as an adoptee has profoundly influenced her, and has become a central theme in her writing and storytelling endeavors. She will be sharing aspects of this part of her life at this year's Korean American Story’s ROAR Story Slam in Washington, DC at the end of April. And I first met Alicia when you submitted your beautiful piece about motherhood as an adoptee to our Voices Unheard event. And then you spoke at it, and you made everyone cry like within like 2 minutes.

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Alisha Bennett: Always here for that.

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LC: Yeah.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah.

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LC: It was such a good piece, though.

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Alisha Bennett: Thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

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LC: I've heard a lot of, you know, clients, and also just people that were at the event, like specifically commenting on that piece and just, you know, how they  . . . so many things about not realizing that, you know, as adoptees we don't get, we don't get the stories of the beginnings of our lives, which was, you know, a theme in your was—was what your essay was about. Yeah.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. And how much of—for me, it feels like such a privilege to have had that with my daughter. And I think that it's . . . as non-adoptees, I think it's like something. Probably I'm just guessing right? Non-adoptees aren't as conscious of. So yeah, it's been a . . . it's been a journey becoming a mother.

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LC: Yes, adoptee mothers.

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Alisha Bennett: Yes.

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LC: Is there a support group for that? There should be!

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Alisha Bennett: I know, there should be! There should be.

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LC: I think BPAR (Boston Post Adoption Resources) might be—might be starting a support group for that soon.

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Alisha Bennett: I was going to say, BPAR sounds like a great place for that to start.

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LC.   (She /Her): Yeah. Alright. So, I'm gonna jump into these questions because we kinda want to keep these interviews, you know, anywhere from 15 to 25 minutes. So the first question is: If you were to make a movie about your adoptee journey, what would you title the movie? And why?

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Alisha Bennett: Hmm! "And why," that's always the harder part, right?

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LC: Yeah.

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Alisha Bennett: I think if I were to title a movie about my journey it would be something along the lines of "Love . . .” no, sorry, "Loss, Love, and Liberation."

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LC: "Loss, Love, and Liberation?” Nice.

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Alisha Bennett: Which kind of goes along with the theme that I'm—of the story I'm telling at the end of the month. But when I think about my journey, right? As many adoptees, our life starts with loss. And then, I think, as we grow up, and as we come into adulthood, you know, a central theme in our life is love finding love, whether that's with family, whether that's with friends, romantic partners, children. And I feel like the liberation part is kind of where I'm at right now. Work in progress, trying to really like, liberate myself from the pain, the loss, the grief, the envy that I pulled for my daughter.

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LC: Is that what the piece is about? The—the end bit? Yeah. I've heard that. I think we've talked a little bit about that.

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Alisha Bennett: We've talked a little bit about it. I need some validation. I needed some validation from LC.

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LC: Yeah, it's definitely, I mean, I'm not a mother, but I'm already jealous of a child that I  never will have, you know. Like, I could totally imagine.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah, no. I remember being in Korea for the first time when I went back in 2017, and I was like sitting in one of those food courts at the mall, and just watching mothers with little kid—their little kids with them, like a Korean mother with a Korean baby. And it brought up a lot for me to the point where I was like having a panic attack by the end of lunch. Just because it's yeah—I'm like, God, what would that have been like?

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LC: Yeah, to have a mirror and . . . What? Yeah, like.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. So, yeah, I think that would be the name—maybe the name of the movie. Something like that. Yeah.

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LC: Alright. “The 3 L's."

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Alisha Bennett: "The 3 L's."

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LC: "Loss, Love, and Liberation." It kind of reminds me a bit of . . . like the adoptee consciousness model, you know, like the loss. . . . And-—and I don't know . . . the— the love and the-—the—I guess it's the liberation piece that, you know, coming out of the fog or coming out of consciousness.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

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LC.   (She /Her): And getting to that point.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. And I think it's this progression of like, all right, we come out of the fog, we come into consciousness. And then I feel like, at least for me, that’s when I like . . . Since coming out of—or into consciousness. That's when I've really been able to be like, okay, here are actually all of the places in which I recognize I need healing. You know, and like thinking about the pain and the anger towards, you know, the systems and the—you know, my adopted family, and my birth mom, and you know, her sister—the one that relinquished me. Like, there's so many things to be angry at. And it's like I wanna hold space for that. But also I don't wanna live . . . in that space.

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LC: Yeah, it's—anger's interesting. I feel like it's so important. There's been times in my life where I need the anger to protect me. To move me along. To change things. And then I think it becomes really dangerous when it becomes like resentment. Like that seems like a different thing, you know.

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Alisha Bennett: Yep.

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LC: But, you know, it is such a crucial tool: anger. Like, as long as it's moving—moving something.

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Alisha Bennett: And not causing harm. Yeah, like, not. Yeah, not sitting and causing harm because I'm acting out in ways that—off of that anger that I'm not dealing with or processing, or, yeah, just releasing.

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LC: Yeah.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah.

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LC: Alright, so we'll jump into the second question here, which was: If you could give a message to a younger version of yourself, any age, that really needs . . .

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Alisha Bennett: Any age? Hmm. I feel like, if I were to pick an age, it would be like my early twenties, or like maybe, like college into grad school when you're like, everything's great. Yeah, I mean, oh, so many things. One: get on Lexapro. Two: while also going to therapy. I didn't start going to therapy until I think I was like 27 and because I went to social work school, like, right out of college. I was like, I don't need to go to therapy. I'm in social work school. So yeah, I think I wish I would have started going to therapy earlier, and just for my own self-awareness.

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LC: Can I ask . . . ? And you don't have to answer, but I'll ask anyway. When you went to therapy—the—like when you started going—was it for, you know, did you understand any of this adoption stuff?

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Alisha Bennett: No. So, it's so funny that you asked that, too, because I think about this all the time. I went for, you know, there's always “The reason” that gets us there. I went, because, you know, like I was a sexually active, like young 20-something-year-old or late-, mid-to-late-20-something year-old. And knew I was like seeking out some sort of, like, more stable relationship, and like could not access it. And I remember, like early on . . . my therapist, after a while, and we got to know each other, she would start attributing things to my adoption . . . or to being adopted. And I remember like, very often being like, no, that's—that's nothing to do with it. I'm like, I'm so aware of my experience as an adoptee, and you know, like I openly talk about it. And blah, blah, blah. So yeah, it's—I can laugh about it now because of the amount of times that I was in complete denial about it.

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LC: Yeah.

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Alisha Bennett: And now, right? Like, 10 to 12 years later, I'm like everything is, yes, about my adoption and birth trauma and adoptive family trauma. But, yeah, there's so much from that initial separation and loss. That yeah, I was just completely, like, no. I wish I went to therapy earlier. I wish I would have started medication earlier, because when I look back on how active my nervous system was, and how I was constantly living in a state of, like, anxiety, yes-ing, people pleasing. It was like, a little unbearable, like if I think about it sort of like, pre- and post- . . . like, I remember when, like the Lexapro, like fully set in; and I was like, oh, my God! Like, the amount of work I was doing daily to “manage my anxiety” that was "under control" . . . like on another level.

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LC: Yeah, it's amazing when that happens and—

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. I also think I would have found communities sooner. I wish I would have found communities sooner. I would have told—I would tell my younger self to find communities sooner, adoptee community. I didn't really intentionally start putting myself in adoptee spaces until the last year. I feel like, I've been on my own sort of like individual journey. But yeah, the intention of being in those spaces was, was—is really recent. And now I'm like, yeah, all in.

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LC: Now you're in.

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Alisha Bennett: Now I'm in! Yeah, and then I think, just like, personally I think I would tell myself, and I know, of course, right? It's always easier said than done, especially when you're talking to your past self. I think I would tell myself to show up for myself more. To not people please as much, to show myself more self-love and self-compassion . . . yeah.

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LC: Kind of leads nicely into the third question, which is: How are you healing today? I mean, if we're talking self-compassion, for example. Do you have any tips on how to give yourself that? Or—

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Alisha Bennett: I think, at the point where I am now, I am much more conscious and aware of letting myself feel whatever I'm feeling when I feel it. Because, like not only was there like my adoption trauma that we all share, right? Of losing our first family. I grew up in a, you know, midwestern family, where—right?—the only emotions that were really expressed were anger or anger. Or just complete—right?—passivity. It was not an emotionally responsive household. And so, I like, very early on learned to shut down any emotion that wasn't good or happy or positive. I remember I was having conversation with my adopted mother when I was like 20-something about a guy that I was dating and like, we were having—going through something. And I was like, upset. And she's like, "You know, you are— you can choose how you feel. . . .”

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LC: Shut it down.

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Alisha Bennett: And I was like, "I don't think that's true," but that was sort of, you know, the messaging. It's like, "Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Like, we're great. Everything's great." We don't talk about anything. Like, right? Like, you know. .  . .  So . . . I think the self-compassion. Oh, sorry! Go ahead.

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LC: Oh, I was just going to say like, the generational traits because now we know it's not just trauma, but it's also personality. I mean there's so many traits that are passed down. So, it's like, if you were a feeler or reflector, as like a—in your blood, having to shut that down is just like another way that, like you started off inauthentically, because you're not attuning because you're not related, you know.

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Alisha Bennett: Correct. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think a big part of the self-compassion for me now is like, it's just like—it's like, and I've done a lot of work around this, but it's just like allowing myself to feel what I feel when I need to. And if I want, if there's a day where I want to lay on the couch and cry for a couple hours like, I'm just gonna do that because there's a lot . . . we have a lot to grieve. And I don't think it, you know, ebbs and flows, and day to day I'm generally like pretty, you know, feeling pretty good, and like getting through the day, but you know it hits us at various times. Like my birthday? Just shut down.

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LC: Yeah, that's a tough one.

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Alisha Bennett: Could not. It was actually—it actually hit me this year, the day after my birthday. I couldn't get—I was like, I just laid on the couch for hours.

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LC: Was it like that throughout childhood that it impacted you?

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Alisha Bennett: No, I always felt off. Like, there was always something that felt off on my birthday. But, when you're a kid it's like, it's your birthday, and you're gonna have a—and I have a summer birthday. So, it's like, you know, you're gonna have your friends over, and you're gonna go in the pool, and you know it's more. But, I . . .  I, like, can vividly remember something always feeling off on my birthday. And then, I did something funny sort of in my twenties, where I like just ended up always finding a way to get out of New York City whenever it was my birthday. Like, I never wanted to be here, which is where I live—where I've lived since 2006. Yeah, I would always just manage to find a way to be away with not a lot of people. And then, I would say as I got more into my thirties, I started to get extremely anxious for the entire month of July, and my birthday is at the end of the month. So, yeah, like, it's never been. I don't like my birthday, really at all. Yeah, it's not a—not my favorite day of the year.

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LC: It's a tough one. I remember when I was a kid I was like, this is the one day I'm pretty sure that my birth mother is definitely thinking about me, you know, like. But yeah, I think it gets harder when we're older. And you know more into consciousness and . . .

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. Now, it just feels like a day of mourning, kind of to me. Which is hard, too, because I try to, since having Coco, my daughter, it feels, you know—this year was particularly hard. There's a sort of, like, added component of like, well, if I didn't have a birthday I wouldn't have her. Like there's this like, kind of, I don't know, you know, it's conflicting—conflicting emotions of like sadness and grief, and all those things. And then also like, oh, but I have this incredible little human that I love like so, so much. So I'm trying, I don't know, trying to flip—flip the script a little. But yeah, it's a hard . . . it's hard. But anyway, back to your original question, yeah, just trying to like give myself that space more.

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LC: Yeah, I find that even I have to ask myself sometimes. Like, "How am I feeling?" you know, because I'm so—I'm feeling how you're feeling is my autopilot, and then I have to remember that I am separate. The other person, you know. Like, yeah, or how I assume you're feeling because of hyper-vigilance and monitoring and all the things I think a lot of adoptees deal with.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah, totally. Yeah, I think the other thing I do that I just thought of as you were talking around the self-compassion thing is boundary setting.

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LC.   (She /Her): Oh, yeah, that's so important.

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Alisha Bennett: Like huge, and that's something I feel extremely comfortable with at this point in my life. That, like I used to fumble over words . . . like . . . like just getting words out if it resembled anything that was like, drawing a line. But like at work, or interpersonally, sexually. Yeah. But that's another area of self-compassion that I feel like, I've really—feel really good about that.

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LC: Another topic that sounded so boring, like in college, like it's all about boundaries. Now I'm all, like, it's all about boundaries. It's, like, the best thing.

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Alisha Bennett: It's all about boundaries. Yeah, yeah.

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LC: I would love to have you know, how can people who are watching this find you? Can they—they look up your practice? Is there—is there any way that you . . .

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah. Yeah, we—so, the practice name is Integrative Therapy, NYC. That's the website domain, too. It's kinda long but it's Integrativetherapynyc.com. Right now, it's me and 2 other therapists. One of the therapists is also a Korean Adoptee. Yeah. I think we're yeah, we're also on Instagram. That's relatively new. Same thing, though, it's just @integrativetherapynyc. Yeah, and then my personal account is, which, I—you know, I—I'm like here and there with that. Sometimes I'm very active, and other times, you know, I'll barely be on for a week or so. It's @tudgie. I'm only on Instagram. I'm not on Facebook or X or TikTok.

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LC: That's probably very good for you.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah, I'll try to stick to just one. But yeah, I share some personal adoptee things on my personal IG account.

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LC: Cool.

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Alisha Bennett: Yeah.

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LC: Alright. Well, it was really good catching up with you, and . . .

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Alisha Bennett: You too. It's always good to see you.

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LC: Thank you so much for coming on. Yeah. And I'm interested to keep knowing, you know, what's going on with you and your writing. And alright and . . .

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Alisha Bennett: I will keep sharing with you, as you know—

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LC: Yeah, I love reading your stuff.

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Alisha Bennett: Aw, you're so sweet.

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LC: Alright. Well, let's—let's wrap it up, and for our audience to continue to keep joining us on Adoptees in 3: Connecting Mind, Heart, and Action.