Adoption Through Adolescent Eyes: A Book Review of When We Become Ours

When We Become Ours (2023), edited by Shannon Gibney and Nicole Chung, is a collection of short stories written by adoptee authors of color exploring various topics and experiences confronted in adolescence and young adulthood. The stories are carefully curated, reflecting a range of genres and focus on the wide range of adoptee characters and their questions and experiences.

Adolescence and young adulthood are a tricky time in an individual’s development. As a clinician working with teenagers, young adults, and their parents, I often refer to Erikson’s Stages of Development to contextualize all the internal and external changes that occur during those years. In this theory, developmental psychologist Erik Erikson explores phases that individuals grow through from infancy to end of life. He explores psychological conflicts in each of these stages and how relationships impact the development of an individual throughout their lifetime (Cherry, K. 2025). In the adolescent stage (12-18 years old), teens are faced with the identity vs. Role confusion stage. This means that teens seek to develop themselves as individuals, and explore their values, interests, and identity -often in separation from their parents. Intimacy vs. Isolation in the young adult stage (18-40 years)  focuses on finding meaning in relationships (platonic, romantic, or sexual).

In my work with adopted individuals and their adoptive family members, I always add an asterisk to Erikson’s Stages of Development: adoption-related trauma is layered and complex, with  a direct impact on the development of an individual’s identity in relation to Self and to others, and thus also an impact on the meaning of relationships. Loyalty, love, belonging, and connection take on drastically different meanings after they have been shaken by the trauma of separation, relinquishment, racial/ethnic/cultural/linguistic isolation, multi-layered grief, and multiple losses. “Who Am I?” becomes an even more difficult question to answer, let alone engage with, when access to information about birth/first family is nonexistent and/or blurred by the complex and cumbersome adoption procedures. This can include false documentation, language barriers, time/distance, and the shame and fear held by both the adoptee AND their adoptive parents.

In my sessions with young adult and teenaged adoptees, it seems often difficult to explore the themes of identity, relationships, belonging, and loss. These topics often feel too big, too confusing, too…never-ending. Although identity labels have expanded to be able to speak to a multiplicity of experiences, the nuances of the adoptee experience often do not fit in those boxes. The vocabulary might be there, but it still doesn’t accurately encapsulate or describe the feeling(s). So, in sessions, we often start there, little by little, trying to describe the feeling, and later assign the correct word, if it feels appropriate.

When We Become Ours: A Young Adult Anthology edited by Shannon Gibney and Nicole Chung, is a beautiful collection of short stories by adoptee authors of color. The stories range from science fiction to contemporary fiction, with first person or third person narrative, all centering the experiences and inner worlds of young adopted individuals. The stories explore how the characters navigate existing in their communities while holding on to big feelings about difference, grief, secrets, and questions that often feel too heavy to hold. The protagonists grapple with being tokenized by their own adoptive parents and friends, feeling othered by members of their cultural groups, and being taken advantage of, unheard, and overwhelmed by the familial and communal systems in which they exist. At the same time, they find solace in cultural celebrations, in memories of family members (even those they have yet to meet), and with chosen loved ones that reflect their wholeness.

Here are some quotes that beautifully reflect the major themes that teenaged and young adult adoptees tend to bring to therapy.